and tomorrow...
look at him. there. sleeping.
look at me. here. staring.
what have i done to deserve the right to gaze at such a sight?
hear him. there. his shallow breathing.
hear me. here. my deep sighing.
why should i be granted such reprieve from an existence that was almost surely condemned to silence?
and yet...
dare i hope that i may look on that view at my own leisure? dare i hope that that music play at my bidding?
i cannot.
will i bear having my heart break into so many pieces again when i wake up in the middle of the night knowing deep inside me that someone else is gazing on his sleeping face? how many pieces less will my heart break if it were him looking at another sleeping face? or how many pieces more when i know someone else is listening to him breathing? his sleeping moans? his grinding of his teeth? his groans? will i want to bear it? will i bear it despite my not wanting to?
i left his side awhile ago because i cannot bear. i cannot bear the familiarity my curves are having with his. the small of his back against my stomach. the back of his knees against my front of mine. the cup of my hand with his waist. my nose with the scent of his hair.it is maddening. it is exquisite. it is frightening. it is bewildering. it is sad. it is bliss.
when he wakes up tomorrow, will his eyes look at me with the same kindness as when they closed after good night? will his voice have that same warmth? or will have treacherous dreams tuned it cold? if not tonight, maybe tomorrow? maybe next week?
every failed affair, every romance that had to end, every love i had to set free all come back to me now. all oppress me. where is that young boy who loved with such courage? he who flung himself off emotional precipices? he who never flinched at the look another pair of eyes? has he grown so old so soon? who robbed him of that valor? was it him who told him that his intensity frightened him? was it him who led him on without any intent of loving him? was it him who loved him but had to go because his life takes him back to where he come from? was it him who couldn't be brave and instead gone and gotten married? how far back must i go back to find it? will i find it all? do i have the strength to look for it? can i even go back at all?
no more. i cannot go on anymore. i need to go back there. beside him. be frightened next to him. and maybe when i wake up, if i am able to sleep, be just a little bit braver. for him. but more importantly, for me. be brave if he would want to go. be braver if he stays.
for now, i know this, that i have enough courage to kiss those sleeping eyes...
posted by salbaje @ 7:14 AM
